The Frustrating Silence

The holiday season is always a mix of things for me. At once I am inspired by the idea of the Incarnation, and it was once the thing that gave me the most hope and peace while I am, meanwhile, also prone to much darker thoughts this time of year. Some mornings, the dread of everyday life is so suffocating that I have trouble getting out of bed and even midnight mass was too much for me to bear. This is a season where people want you to gather around friends and loved ones, but it's damn near impossible to tell them how much crowds can be a source of panic.

Photo courtesy of Justin Kern, click for site.

This is the first Christmas since becoming Catholic that I've missed a midnight mass. I shouldn't be surprised, given that I have trouble making even the normal Sunday services and, even if I do make it, I find myself needing to leave part way through the liturgy lest I start panicking. So, I ended up hanging out in my empty apartment, trying to make the best of the situation that I can. Before bed, I prayed one more novena that this would work out. However, I'm starting to feel that these prayers are falling on deaf ears, perhaps dead on arrival after I sent them.

In total, I've prayed seven St Joseph Novena's and endless petitions to St Benedict over the last two years. These are coupled with my daily prayers and petitions to God that something in my life will change, that something will be a source of hope. There is not an answer, but rather like the sound of a door locking when you come knocking. Was the house ever even occupied? I could've sworn it had been. Alas, there is no answer, not even a simple "No" nor a theophanic "Fuck Off" but merely the deafening silence that starts to become as exhausting as it is terrifying.

I have to say, the silence is the worst part of all. I can handle condemnation, I can handle the feeling of guilt, and I could even handle the pains of rejection. However, I simply can't stomach not having the peace that once brought me to the faith. It makes one wonder if I made the whole thing up. Certainly, I can understand those who assume that the 'peace which surpasses all understanding' is as much a myth as second sight. I've felt it a few times, but it could have been any number of things.

When I was an Evangelical, I was promised that this would go away with enough prayer.

It has still not gone away.

Rather, this is more akin to Churchill's black dog: it always comes back home and it is barely aware the it ever left.

Pardon my bad language and my ramblings, dear reader. As a theologian, I keep hoping that I can get a little more depth out of my thoughts, but this is one condition I can't reason out of. Pray for me, if you'd be so kind.

In Christ,
T. L. G.

My Little Introduction

Well, this is the first post and I'm not sure how to start a project like this. I'm a fairly private person but I have been no stranger to the Catholic Blogging world. In total, I have ran four different blogs and have written and published for other websites and publications. Some of you will, no doubt, figure out who I am based on my writing style. So, let's just get some goals and ideas out there and what I hope to accomplish on this blog.

Depression and Faith?

I have suffered from depression for quite some time and didn't quite receive treatment until well into my twenties while at grad school. I was raised an American Evangelical of the Pentecostal/Charismatic variety. I initially lost my faith because of how that tradition regards people who are impoverished and have mental illness, which is to say that I kept being told to "pray against it." Well, to say the least I didn't find this advice helpful and eventually began to feel like God had abandoned me. When you feel sad and suicidal for no damn reason, you can kind of get sick of being told to just pray more. So, I left and began a journey into agnosticism and anarchism and then found myself becoming a Papist in 2004. I'll write more about that journey another time.

I'm writing this blog in hopes that other Catholics--and indeed any person of faith--might just know that they are not alone in their struggle. Also, this is a blunt exercise in getting a lot of my thoughts on paper. I hope it takes shape as I write more as this overly-personal prose is quite new to me.

As a note, I'm allowing comments but please keep it polite. Oh, and if you troll or are otherwise an ass, then just save yourself the time of writing.